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Trust Your Instinct

Hay is for horses, milking is for cows, and only cows: My very brief encounter with a super freak

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Hokahey! But Not Today

Today is NOT a good day to die: a story about accidentally staying alive

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Clownilingus

Nothing is scarier than a clown, except a clown with an affinity for oral sex.

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Everything I know about sales I learned at a strip club

How you sell matters. What your process is matters. But how your customers feel when they engage with you matters more, especially when selling lap dances at a strip club.

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Non-Albino Et Al

Anal beads, pronouns, and surgical gloves: My non-binary roommate experience

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Rick the Lion

Poop references, races to the bathroom, and disgusting nicknames aside, I have never wanted to trade my brothers for sisters, I don’t care how many times they farted on me.

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Water Pump Hand Job

At sixteen-years-old, I had one of the most fun summers of my life, and learned a thing or two about water pumps.

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Blood Runner

I have had many part time jobs, but never one that required so many needles.

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Twenty-minute Sugar Daddy

The relationship I had with my sugar daddy was a rare one, mostly because it only lasted twenty minutes.

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But I Wrote a Song for You!

Turns out writing a song for a long-lost love, recording it, and shipping it over international waters, isn't enough to win them over.

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Gyno Pigs

My quest to make the most amount of money, in the least amount of time, doing the littlest amount of work possible has led me to this conclusion; jobs like these usually require full frontal nudity.

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Passover. Then Pass out

The Passover seder requires all participants to drink four glasses of wine, and when I was seven years old, it sure made for an interesting night.

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Alzheimer’s and Big Dicks

Alzheimer’s is no laughing matter, except for when the person with Alzheimer’s is your mother, and her favorite topic of conversation is large penises.

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Welcome to the Soup Dungeon

Stale snacks, prolapsed anuses, and naughty septuagenarians; my first experience in a BDSM dungeon

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